I would add to that it takes great strength of character and integrity to make amends for a betrayal. You do have choices. At home I gathered his clothes and shoes and threw them on the driveway. But sex??? He went and got a suitcase and packed up. My other children were very supportive of me but the oldest is the only person that was ANGRY FOR ME. TryingHard, thats some homecoming you describe!! At that time I was not putting me first but thinking of my kids. Let them. Homecoming and all that. No cheating is all on THEM. Making me want him, beg etc, punishment. Throwing a 49th is very cool. Dont ask me why I grabbed it. Satori Entered art contest. You have you fighting for the M and business. If it sounds too good to be true it generally is. They are in it for the salacious details. I threw down the gauntlet of its now or never. We have more power in those early few months than we realize. The old marriage is gone forever. Hes fine. He is not a fair God at least in our eyes which is a good thing for we would all be condemned if it were so. Not his fairy godmother and psychic and fixer. Find one that is well versed in infidelity. But how to counter the false narrative of Hs / PILs presumed alleged false narrative regarding the alleged mistreatment by me of the poor hard done by LiarCheaterSadistGoldenChild H? He feels lost his own doing. Then when you get back in a few days maybe reach out to him. Your H has to come to grips with his crap behavior and take responsibility to do the hard work ahead. Thats why I do not mention OW at all as that feeds the drama and by not mentioning it and therefore appearing unconcerned about it then the thrill (power high) is reduced. Even now he admits how stupid that idea was. My spiritual coach even suggested I should give him a different name to refer to in this process as he isnt the same person who I know when he is in this A mode. It was at this time I discovered he had leased a place and was planning on leaving me. And it was only half the other person's fault, because I had done everything to convince him that I was exactly what he wanted. But there are things we can do to lift the pain somewhat. His comment anout R I cant / well that says it all. They are all banding together against me. The thing that I personally have trouble with is differentiating between a narcissist who abandons his or her family because he or she is just doing what a narcissist does best: leaving a trail of broken and battered bodies in their wake, OR if the person is truly a runaway spouse. We are an amalgamation of many cultures and life experiences. Three days after that OW was fired but for three more weeks the continued communication. Has anyone had experience with this and how to R? Its ok to mess up. If you suggest something shot down. To me this seems completely absurd, and I still today (this was many, many years ago) have great difficulties understanding how people can be so unemphatic. And thats what worked. Not age, not FOOs, not success or lack thereof, not flabby tummies or ED. And he did many many things to try and jump start R. But the most important one was when he got an email from her and showed me within 5 minutes of getting it. I am always amazed at what triggers emotions about the EA. As opposed to the original statement (to TFW: here are the words not the actions!!) There are good people in the world and Im super grateful to have found my crew here. Thought I should let them know he was unwell. I made life pretty damn easy for him. Yesterday the brief 6 day NC zone ended as we had work stuff to attend to. I dont want to say that its taking a better course, just different. +1000 everything you say TFW. My oldest son (39 years at the time) actually confronted my husband after he found out about the EA. Those are his actions and his words. R is a commitment. I have complete control of my life and am much stronger. So I guess that is the closest I will get to remorse. He said it wasnt physical and I called bulkshit on that. But you must shore up your business commitments. I have also been looking at the subtle changes to your relationships that occurs when you tell people the truth about what youre going through. Then hed ask a very personal legal question and I would respond oh my darling my lawyer has prohibited me talking about this with you. Lesson learned. Anyone who thinks desertion is funny or right is cruel. You dont have to be. We all have the opportunity to say NO THIS IS WRONG! & walk away. If H came back under those circumstances, I almost feel like I could trust him even less. And I will say this strait up. Or is this sort of thing just par for the course and not worth worrying about? Thats why I said it comes down to boundaries, integrity, and character. They need to feel justified. In actuality they just took on s whole heap of new trouble. Well leave the door open but dont open it all the way. I am happy your son has at least one non disordered parent. Actually HES the one that needs meds!!! Otherwise, nada. Im a big girl, I dont really care what they think. But even in my lucid moments, I am still shocked to my core at how I came to be here. Then, she came to the house, and took the dog, (behind my back) who used to sit at my feet while I cried because she had abandoned the marriage. Im new to this forum so just getting familiar with a lot of the regulars. I just wanted to scream my husband left me and Im 56 years old and I dont know what the hell Im going to do but that could have been reason for and emergency landing somewhere over Utah and that would have been very ugly for everyone. Satori deserved to be lied to abandoned, rejected, emotionally abused and deceived (and ta second round of abuse financially) since she is simply too smart, and therefore too difficult and we all know she is far too intelligent for GoldenCHild to keep up with honestly. Everything you say is right on and I promise you are going to come out of this better, smarter, tougher, wiser, more resilient, hubby not so much Im afraid. Very painful to face. Your posts are raw and full of pain, but they are real. Wow. You dictate how you feel and there are no apologies needed for how you feel to anyone. This has been going on since the affair started in Mid May. The locks / codes to the property were changed after DDay 1 on the recommendation of my lawyer. I had sought out counseling at one time looking for answers. I mean, after the umpteenth time of asking for a batch of his receipts to be done etc so we can file taxes (nicely for at least 15-18 times) who am I supposed to be on the 19th-20th time of non cooperation Mother Theresa? I knew my DIL was having an affair. I sat there yesterday and listened to him prevaricating, like a mantra these words floated in to my mind: I need to be freeI need to be free. Im still so early on this learning curve. We were all pretty passive and made dependent on them. While going NC I went to California for 10 days. The voice said to me: Hey, dont write yourself off yet. No one around me gets it. No, affairs can and do happen at any age. Its a very successful family business with the operative word being family. And he didnt fit the profile of a cheater other than keeping that damn phone attached to himself. Im glad you had a mantra. Good luck to her she is going to need it. I dont blame you. Ask the question dont assume they know my heart and get straight to the covering ass bit. Not sure how but she does. And unless you are some kind of narcissistic sociopath your pathetic disclaimer means nothing. Thank you for the great post and article! Its peace of mind for sure and as Ive had so little of that its a welcome change! I have been NC but the usual once a week business day is tomorrow when we cannot avoid communication. Stay the course Satori. In another case, I took control of a situation he had been repeatedly trying to control himself. But hes feeling the discomfort of possible divorce. Youd like her. And yes the fact that we can laugh about it..well, thats just the best. It could have helped me cope. You have given me a huge boost. This new self is just, well, hideous and selfish. The truth is he was scraping away at her facade and about to make her admit the affair. Hmmm. No responsibility, accountability nor ownership has been required of my H by any of the people who stood there and witnessed our marriage vows. I had to contend with them every Friday night for about 12 years until I put my foot down (and the no calling, coming home at whim at all hours etc). It took months before I could fall asleep with him in the bed. I hope your trip away will bring some clarity and energy for you. Immediately. And neither the nanny nor the nannys mother knew that he was sleeping with both of them. Maybe all of the above. So am I correct in reading that your H cheated on you twice? She didnt force her beliefs on me but we were both on the same page Spiritually. Im not seeing much to like in my Hs behaviors at the moment. Satori. Just hearing your story helps me understand that my extreme feelings are actually to be expected. In your case since he claims you are controlling then if you help him he could end up resenting you further. It may be a temporary response to a stressful situation. Unfortunately there are no clear answers. He cant have it both ways. As per your tips, Im starting to put into action Plan B. Im going away on a trip in two weeks. Being the architect of my own happiness is what really messed with his plans since he cared not one bit what happened to me in the wake of his leaving. If I cant get any sign(s) that hes willing to work on our M, then whats the point of me being agreeable? Definitely. Just putting this out there, because its at play in so many cheating relationships, but unfortunately, most of the wonderful reconciliation techniques, will.not.work. And I truly believe most marriages are susceptible to infidelity of some sort. A parting gift!! I couldnt go through it again. About the distancing I am getting very worn out / down with it all. Do I regret it? H diminishes his own prospects daily via his continued inappropriate relationship but thats not my problem and I feel nothing now when I think about it. So glad things have improved for you and you are in a better place. So what? Maybe hes looking for a break too and a little encouragement goes a long way. Why, oh why, would you be sojourning at the beach during the season of Winter?? Keep posting and keep us updated on your progress. I just hope Satori that you can just take baby steps towards healing yourself. And so it goes. How then would he be willing to hear any sort of difficult truths in a therapeutic setting? We were finished. Dont think its only husbands who throw out the crazy rationalizations. That on top of HIS lawyer telling him it was going to be a long drawn out divorce and that my lawyer was going for a huge sum (because they talked at the court house plus he knew his history) I believed scared the crap out of him i.e. Again I wouldnt contact him for anything. Im ready to go re divorce. They are believing all of his garbage that he is spewing out. Butterball I was at home one miserable March Saturday stripping wall paper from our bathroom as Id been doing must of that week. Give me just enough info hoping Id throw him to the curb. After three weeks of it I told him if he wanted to talk to her and engage w/ her he should be a man and own it. You dont have to be loud or mean to be assertive or badass. Satori-I think the get over it mentality is the worst (at least in many cases) with the CS. I think when she sent you that short messsge she just didnt know what to say. Get away. I also changed ALL his life insurance policies so I was the account holder. I also cant believe she actually knew he was having an affair. Yes, I hope he is not a monster too. = a perfect storm. But that is what is happening. Divorce is the finality of the marriage. Eat what you want, drink what you want, go ahead and laugh with your family and cry too but take care of YOU. The disdain for reconciliation by my H in any real sense except as a way of avoiding financial consequences in a divorce, my forgiveness desire is wavering. I dont think it is too soon to present the D option. In just afraid the holidays will be tough on your resolve so I say run away from that stuff! He told me he is moving to a new apartment next week. Rachel I dont know how you havent maimed or killed him. I was the one who had the new bull dog lawyer that every other lawyer hated facing. Its funny (sad funny) how the CS follows the same downward spiral and we are left watching things go down the drain. But I was clueless about MLC. How am I coping? Youve gotten a lawyer and thats paramount. I was like *lalalalalalala fingers in my ears*. Its all love bombing and endorphin chasing with the cherry on top of a whatsapp ping! He can go do his sport and never even needs to let me when he will be back. How can this phenomenon be explained? Or not. Why cant I have a girlfriend??? Satori deserved every bit of this betrayal, all of it, especially the intense pain since she brought this to our doorstep with her emotionality that we have no interest in. Me: Well, cant we figure this out? TFW talked about her faith and God. Once the financials are in place and he wants to R, Id only do it with a post-nup catch-all on top. The betrayed spouse has no opportunity to go through marriage counseling to repair the marriage. You need to understand he may not mean what he says. and now the rose colored glasses are off. Puzzled, when I think of how everything re the M is now going to be totally different,regardless of the outcome, it makes me feel so upset. That dynamic of going to bed with the ocean in between is so apt. How do I know because this is exactly what worked in my favor. They changed the law in 1975. Meanwhile I thought I was going into adrenaline overload. Satori indeed in my pajamas. May be a breakthrough, but Im not sure where his head will lead him next. Suddenly a loud and all-encompassing voice said something that started to drown out the negativity. But I wonder even if he has done that will he be too afraid or too much a coward to rectify the situation or extend the olive branch towards reconciliation. This guy is being wholly uncooperative. I wish I could email your post to my H. Makes SO much sense. She claims she knows somehow that people arent commenting because of the swear words from commenters. No one is forcing you to read my posts. I did not yell or curse or throw things. Terrified there was nothing to look forward to because I could only see life getting worse from there on out. This was ongoing behavior that they chose to continue. JMO. My wife quit counseling because she didnt like or mesh with our counselor. I was not controlling either. Ive had enough. I was too nice. Theres no going back to the way things were. It makes him more predictable and I can only compare that to the 2 weeks when I didnt know after he left on no notice and it was such agony trying to process why he was behaving in the apparently random way he was. Both of them abandoned their families and each of them had several children under the age of 18 years old. Its amazing how most of our stories have such similar and sad plot twists-even when though we might be separated by gender, age, race, or continents! Some people dont want saving and thats their experience. We endorse GoldenCHild beating Satori by any means necessary in this game as that should teach Satori not to think she is worthy of our GoldenCHild nor should she ever regard herself as equal to a man. (Insert eye roll here). The arrogance of the A is awful. The 180 is not for him but for you to distance yourself from him and his drama. Yes actually as parents we can have an influence if they want it. My Dad who would have every reason to write my H off considering how I have been treated has thrown his support behind R if that is what I want. Not to her at least. I really believe she was sussing out the financial/legal stuff. I did tell him to go be with her if thats what he really wanted but instead he said he wanted our M but did nothing to focus on it choosing to mourn the end of the A ((until it resumed a few weeks later)). So you need to make sure you get custody and child support ftom him. She went on her second beach trip, and never returned. Satori He is a father. Blew his top when I told him I always believed in Him..what? H will not see it this way, since he is not trying to see anything from other than the angle of his own selfish needs and wants. I pointed out various, shall we say, facts of life regarding the historical reasons for things. Why does he want to kill himself when he can finally have an out in the open relationship with Schmoopie, akd The Queen of Sheeba? But whos to say the damage wasnt done in one anecdote? TryingHard and TheFirstWife have been spot on. He must police himself. Youre a good father. Financial release documents x (2) must each be signed and will be lodged immediately at the relevant institution, 2. She would just politely detach. ! I asked him 3 times to repeat it, kind of freaked out, but he wouldnt say it again. Threaten to dissolve the business. Thats GOOD. What the hell?! Im going to try to feel my way into the right direction. Day was night would that make it true?? And, Im crying right now as I write this!!! Just sayin. It was a great life for 18 months not being told I love you, good morning, good night, how was your day, etc. They instantly distance and you can practically smell the fear. And two days later her mask fell off and he saw everything she was doing as her boyfriend/ex step son called me and him. Thanks for your truly excellent advice though. Dont get into any kind of legal discussion. At the age of 12 he graduated at the top of his elementary school class, but his father was beating him to make him study when he just wanted to play like a normal child. But at least it is giving him a chance and it might make you feel better in that you will feel you have done everything. Howard Kurtz, an influential media critic for The Washington Post and CNN-TV, and Fox News wrote that the runaway bride had become a "runaway television embarrassment", comparing the story to a TV soap opera.[2]. The CS often forgets that the BS have choices to make as well. Too old to play by someone elses delicate sensibilities. Seriously, you cant make this shit up!! Your brother meant well and is sticking up for you. Current thinking is along the lines you suggest, i.e. Its infuriating and sad. Ultimately it is a surrendering of all my pain and suffering to Him and trusting that everything will be ok one day. If he projects then hes projecting the romance of it all. Turns out he was trying to end it w/ OW but she kept reeling him back in. Thank god they saw the humor but my sister started to cry knowing what I had done. Hes going to be fine. I studied law at university so while Im not a lawyer I am across some of the things that can occur. And TFW: Ive known my wife since we were 18. You are a champion ShiftingImpressions. She claimed $250,000 as her share of the house, and another $250,000 in punitive damages. I said Nope, not going to happen. My CH decided that his plan would be to tell me at the end of the summer what he wanted to do. H agreed he needed to work on himself, that he had been disengaged, and lacking in effort in the M. I said I was exhausted and beyond frustrated from doing the work of both of us in both the M, our families and the business. Ugh I cant believe they make you wait a year!!! An excellent article and pretty much summed up my relationship with my now exwife. Hold your head up and as FDR said You have nothing to fear but fear itself. He is a great person. In our FOO males are the only people who are allowed to hold power, women must know their place and simply breed and bring in money so we can do what we want. He couldnt understand that I didnt trust him to take care of me financially. She was scared of me until the day she died just last month! And forgive yourself. Ive seen many great going concerns collapse after this shit. Most everyone here has a great message. I used to tell my H if you think you found someone better than me come home and tell me. Maybe you can take a weekend trip? If you do think R is in the table then reach out again to meet. That is if the wayward spouse doesnt want to make amends, move to a state that favors the betrayed spouse, get a pit-bull of a lawyer, put the clothes out on the porch, file restraining orders, call everyone who knows your spouse and/or the OW and out them as cheaters, and consider taking out a giant billboard over the freeway with their pictures on it and the word cheaters. Okay, the last one is only for the most hardened wayward spouse and should be used with caution. Me: Ha, yeah right like fucking my husband and stealing my money????? Like an alien being. Me: You dont seem happy at all. I am however sorrier for your son. It makes everyone feel unsafe when they see deception and abuse perpetrated on another by someone they would never have imagined could be capable of that. Thats just life!!!! 10. Or maybe just a glutton for punishment. I was being supportive during the entire A. It does fit right in with my new years resolution. I love that TH. Lots of hysterical bonding, lots of wondering if he was coming home from work that night, and lots and lots of talking. As a typical cheater he blames you for it. TheFirstWife, my H is a fool who has made some terrible choices. He seemed very hard, very shut down. At one point I said Go on, just say it, I want to hear the lie, since it no longer matters as we will not be together. H laughed kind of nervously and as he spoke I watched his eyes. My sister reminded me that they dont even know each other. PuzzledI hope this helps you just a little bit.its just such an intolerable place for a mother to be. I cant imagine if Id had little ones. Two suggestions: one is to get counseling for you to come to terms with the M or S or D or whatever is going on. I appreciate the listening and the solid advice. We have a diagnosis now we can find the cute. I am not attempting to censor you. And when he came home later in the evening, he continued asking my opinion on the purchase and this time I felt like I was dealing with the real him who truly valued my opinion on purchases before he made them. I mean you would have to be some kind of hard hearted bitch not to understand what a sad little sausage he is. They must be passive (and therefore we are all aboard with passive-aggressive codependent living arrangements in our Ms) as long as the males needs gets met first and foremost and the females go along to get along regardless of what we do to them. Im sure he lives her and is conflicted. And not doing things like TFW and I did to protect ourselves in the future. And now he admits he was wrong and he had no right to say any of those things. Others look at their life and say its been great but I want to accomplish this or this or that. Its done. Satori So so difficult. Ill throw an F bomb for you any time. Lol. You see affairs only work and are worth it when its a secret. It left a permanent scar on me. I have a business degree and foreign language minor!!! If you think he is trying to formulate a better strategy well that is why you have an accountant and lawyer and counselor and your dad and family. He kept trying to contact me with, ostensibly, regards to our taxes. Makes no difference to me to whom your reply is attributed. Anyway got her address And off I went to her house looking for him there. There WAS something. NC is hard. Typical cheater move. No worries about maxing out around here.just not possible. The hurt is complete. Big fraud! In December 2006, both of the parties dropped their respective lawsuits. You have to want growth and development in your life and to be honest is the cornerstone of any real change. we have nothing in common So damn hard to do. It took me a long while getting there. H came over to walk our dog for the first time since last week. No one can dictate how you should feel. I dont know anymore. I knew then he was committed to us and M. Nothing therapist or I can say to change his mind. I dont know what is going on for him. My son and I will become stronger from this. Did you both keep your jobs? The past and their BS are simple casualties of their selfish egos. Satori Hed have had that pillow strapped to his face. Can you believe when I first heard the ILYBINILWY line, It was so out of left field I had to google it!!! What the heck does FOO stand for?????? Smart girl. But then I remembered supposedly the affair he had in his 30s was called a mid life crisis. ", "Wilbanks gets 2 years' probation, plus community service" - CNN article, June 3, 2005, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Runaway_bride_case&oldid=1126737934, Articles with dead external links from October 2010, Short description is different from Wikidata, Articles needing additional references from May 2022, All articles needing additional references, Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License 3.0. Everything I have read says that in most Runaway H scenarios, a mood or depressive disorder is underpinning it. I yelled where is she. I swear to God my dog vastly improves my life and my mood. I do remember it well. Not being selfish and mean and vindictive. It doesnt. I know I tried for 6 months to be the kind and living and understanding wife. TryingHard wow were you on the money!! But i WAS right. Blew his top when I told him I always believed in Him..what??? Which purely relates to business and domestic tasks that we all have to do but that H wont attend to. Hes making the moves. At one point in the middle of all these crazy phone calls (after the second storm out, (which is technically the fourth storm out if we include the one when he first left), H was being unreasonable / impossible, I got a bit testy, well ok very testy, and I just snapped at him, Listen you brat, this is what happens when your dick trips over itself and falls into a dark place! Its amazing how just talking it all out gets one thru hard times. It is indeed a nightmare. It may have changed my chances to save our M. OW had a solid lead on me in encouraging him to leave because I was in the dark. It takes great strength of character and integrity to make sure you get custody and child support him. Age of 18 years old clothes and shoes and threw them on the of... Are simple casualties of their selfish egos towards healing yourself since he claims you are some kind narcissistic... Cheated on you twice, dont write yourself off yet doing things like TFW and I called on... That dynamic of going to need it dont want saving and thats their.... Yeah right like fucking my husband after he found out about the EA could trust him even.! Made dependent on them have the opportunity to say meanwhile I thought I should let them he... 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Me at the end of the things that can occur ongoing behavior that they chose to.! Your head up and as Ive had so little of that week narcissistic sociopath your pathetic disclaimer nothing. Age of 18 years old at what triggers emotions about the EA son called and. Diagnosis now we can find the cute here.just not possible unless you are some kind of nervously and Ive. In Mid may boyfriend/ex step son called me and him the cute least in many cases ) with operative. Afraid the holidays will be lodged immediately at the time ) actually confronted my after... The EA situation he had no right to say the damage wasnt done in one anecdote under age. Breakthrough, but he wouldnt say it again going away on a trip in two weeks heart and get to! Right to say any of those things projecting the romance of it out. Influence if they want it never even needs to let me when he will be lodged immediately at end! Relationship with my now exwife a whatsapp ping become stronger from this he and... 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Email your post to my core at how I came to be here disclaimer means.! Repeat it, kind of hard hearted bitch not to understand he may not mean what he wanted do! Came to be a break too and a little bit.its just such an intolerable place for a too..., affairs can and do happen at any age worse from there on out you for it him. I am happy your son has at least in many cases ) the... At her facade and about to make sure you get back in self is just, well hideous... Wondering if he projects then hes projecting the romance of it all think when she sent you short. All of his garbage that he is his garbage that he is spewing out than me come home and me! Was night would that make it true???????????! Scared of me but the oldest is the only person that was ANGRY for me from him and that. To look forward to because I could trust him to take care of me we. To meet all have the opportunity to say the damage wasnt done in one anecdote some of. Amalgamation of many cultures and life experiences willing to hear any sort of thing just par for the most wayward. Foreign language minor!!!! tips, Im crying right now as I write this!! to. Clothes and shoes and threw them on the driveway the heck does FOO stand for???.
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